Bennies Go the F*ck Home!!!

As you all know, this past weekend was the unofficial start of summer marked by Memorial Day. Beaches opened, schools were closed, Italian ice stands opened for the first time in six months, and of course, the Bennies came. Yes, the Bennies. The number one hated tourist group at the Jersey Shore. So why the angst? Lend me your ears...

So, what's a Benny? Well, you have two options: 1) the term can refer to where they come from--(B)ayonne, (E)lizabeth, (N)ewark, (N)ew (Y)ork; or 2) the term refers to the fact that they like to throw their "Benjamins" around (aka the Rich Bitches). I prefer the second. Down south they refer to this lovely group as "Shoobies" because they wear their shoes on the beach. Now that we've establish what a Benny is, let's get into what the big deal is.

I've lived on the Jersey Shore my entire life. My house is about 2 miles in from the beach on the main road to our happy little section of the Shore, and to say the traffic is horrendous is quite an understatement. My parents live across the street and down a few houses, and there are many days it takes me 20 minutes to cross and walk what's merely a football field in length. The cars are non-stop and the bikers will simply run you over or die trying. And what was once a nice Victorian house-lined street turns into the local garbage dump. There's more food wrappers and bottles lying in the gutters than there are at the town dump!

And don't forget the parkway. We like to refer to it as the Garden State Parking Lot. Traffic may slightly move from about north of exit 130, but once you hit the Driscoll Bridge, plan on sitting there for hours. Luckily, those of us who have lived here FOREVER know the back ways and can get home from the commuter lot a hell of a lot quicker. Oh, and when it gets to be 5:00PM on Sunday (or Monday if it's a holiday), get in your car, turn on the engine and start heading north. I was almost an hour late for work this Tuesday because no of you wanted to go home.

The town officials and newspapers say the Bennies are good for the economy, which may be true, but dammit, I don't want to fight a mob to get into my favorite hot dog joint! I don't want to stand in line at 7-11 for 15 minutes because that no longer makes it a convenience store. I want to go to my favorite bar and hang out with my friends without having to shout over the obnoxious NYC and Long Island whines. And of course, my favorite, the Boardwalk.

We have two large boardwalks with full amusements, bars, games and restaurants not too far south from where I live. This past Sunday we got the brilliant idea to go to one of them, and all I can say is never, never, NEVER AGAIN on Memorial Day weekend. Granted, the boardwalks are always crowded with locals and Bennies alike, but you can tell who's who. Our locals walk down the boardwalk with their family and friends, dressed decently, making way for others to walk. The Bennies, though, dress like sluts, act like brutes and will do anything in their power to be number one in line. Do me a favor and learn some manors before you come to my turf.

Oh, and you. Yeah, the girl who shouldn't be in a bikini, let alone a bathing suit at all. You've got the dough, so go ask Daddy for some money to buy yourself something flattering, because right now the guys aren't wanting to get in your pants (or the lack there of). No, no. They're running in the opposite direction trying hold in their lunch. And to the rest of you: Pull up your damn pants! We don't want to see your G-strings and thongs!

So, why am I taking such a stand on this? You're thinking I should just move to avoid them completely, right? Guess what?!? I was here first, and so was my family and theirs before that. We're not going anywhere. In fact, as the years have gone on, more and more locals are banding together to tell the Bennies to GO HOME!!! I don't care if you're Italian, Jewish, French, Chinese or Eskimo, you set foot on our turf, you play by our rules. Visiting is one thing, but you're not taking over. Are you always this rude to your hosts?

And there's my summer declaration. No Benny is going to push me out of the way this year, because I'm damn ready to push back. Maybe even mess up your perfect hair (that goes for both men and women). I once saw a bumper sticker that says "Keep New Jersey Beautiful, Go Back to New York Out!" We'd love to give you some down home Jersey Shore hospitality, but you wore out your welcome.

BENNIES, GO THE F*CK HOME!!!

***Do me a favor and support the local links above. These people work their asses off only to be abused by out of towners who think they know it all. I think they deserve as much local support as possible.